Chapter 1
1-
They hooked up at a party. She didn’t know his name and didn’t offer hers as he tugged her inside a closet, hiked her pretty red dress up her toned thighs and fucked her. They walked away afterwards, the taste of each other on their lips, and didn’t think of each other again for some time. Random hookups in New York City were de rigueur after all, especially considering the circles they both ran in.
Agnes had stopped being scared of sex sometime ago. She had lost so much when Graham Derros had done his worst but her innocence shattered completely when she fell in love with Nick Marone and he cast her aside. After Nick had broken her heart, she had sought affection where she could get it. Shameful, maybe. A way of life now, yes. Sex became a weapon.
She was flying free for awhile afterwards though tethered to her demons still. She was flying free that is until she got sick every day, until her breasts began to ache, until she peed on a stick and she couldn’t deny the truth anymore. She was pregnant. If she narrowed down the timeline, it was certainly that man at the party who had knocked her up - the one who was dangerously easy on the eyes and had worked her over good in a coat closet…
He was going to be a daddy and she didn’t even know his name.
2 –
The choice to keep the baby was surprisingly easy. She wanted and needed something to remind her that she was still alive. Losing Bridget and Nick’s baby – even though she was “just” a surrogate – had been a devastating blow; one she’d never quite been able to put aside.
Yes, she still hooked up with random men until she became too big and no halfway decent looking man would touch her. She still loved her potato chips and devoured chocolate muffins daily that she picked up from that bakery on Thirty-Seventh. Her doctor said she was putting on a little too much weight but that she was perfectly healthy, that carrying the baby to term was no problem, even after all the abuses that had been heaped on her body.
In November, on a cold, stormy night, she gave birth to a healthy little boy. She named him Cassius. Cassius Adam Jones. Cassius because it meant “protective” and that’s what she needed – a protector, someone to help keep her remaining sanity intact. Adam because it was her long dead father’s middle name. It sort of made sense, somehow, to honor him even if he hadn’t always been there for her.
No one was there with her to witness the event - not even her dear brother Oliver, because she didn’t want him to be. He didn’t even know she was pregnant; she had never seen fit to tell him. This baby was hers and no one else’s. Cassius was her hope and her future and right or wrong; she didn’t want to share him with anyone.
3 –
Christmas rolled around soon enough. She bought her beautiful boy a ton of presents, probably more than he would ever play with and a lot more than she could afford on her administrative assistant’s salary. Maternity leave would be over soon, right after New Year’s actually, and she hated to think of leaving Cassius with some random stranger.
Oliver called her on Christmas Eve and they chatted until Cassius cried and then she quickly made an excuse to hang up before Oliver could figure out what was going on.
Despite all her many faults, she was a good mother. She doted on Cassius and was very careful with him, making sure if he dropped his pacifier even, that she sanitized it thoroughly. She loved her son. He was possibly the one thing she had ever done right.
4 –
Dropping Cassius off that first day at daycare was even harder than she thought it would be. The baby cried a bit – he was already used to his mother – but she cried still harder. She walked the six blocks to work in tears. People of course stared but no one said anything, no one asked if she was alright, not even her coworkers. She walked into the office bathroom and wiped away all her runny mascara and then got right to work. She was informed at noon that they had a new patient coming in for a dental cleaning. Her fellow glorified sectary left for lunch and she manned the office. It was slower at this time of the afternoon and she had a free moment to call the daycare and check on Cassius. She was assured he was fine and taking a nap. She hung up and felt depressed.
She picked up the framed picture of Cassius she had brought with her and hugged it to her chest as she twisted back and forth on her rolling chair, trying to hold back the tears. She was soon interrupted by a male voice saying, “I am here for my appointment.”
“Oh yes, of course,” she said, trying to discreetly dab at her eyes as she set aside the picture. “What’s your name?”
“Deacon Sharpe,” he said. She typed the name into the computer and finally looked up at the man. Even through her watery gaze she knew who he was. He recognized her too; she could see it in his crystal blue eyes.
He smiled. “Long time no see,” he quipped.
Agnes shifted on her chair nervously, turning the baby’s picture over as discreetly as she could. There was no way, no way in hell; she was going to share her son with some random guy. She offered him a weak smile. “Yeah … Anyway, Dr. Waters will see you shortly. You can take a seat over there.”
He nodded and moved over to a chair in the small waiting room. She felt his eyes on her and she feigned being very busy typing something. Finally he spoke again. “What’s your name?”
“Agnes,” she said. She wanted to say it was none of his damn business but she couldn’t afford to insult a paying customer and possibly lose her job.
He smirked, a shit-eating grin if there ever was one. “Nice to finally put a name with a face.”
Agnes looked away.
5 –
Deacon returned to her office a week later. He claimed he had a checkup and he did but she thought it was an excuse to chat her up. He tried but she kept her end of the conversation very stilted. “You’re kind of a cold fish,” he said, “You know that right?” She said nothing. “You weren’t the least bit icy the night we –“
She held up a hand to stop him. “That’s fine. No need to remind me.”
“So it wasn’t good for you? It was good for me, I remember that. The way your legs locked around my waist –“
Agnes so badly wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but she resisted, remembering she was in an office, and not just any office but her place of work. If she lost this job how would she support Cassius? She didn’t want to raise him in a cardboard box under some bridge.
“You know,” she said instead, “I don’t really think bringing up something that happened three years ago-“
“It wasn’t that long ago, I know that much.”
“My mistake,” she lied. “Anyway, I’d appreciate it very much if you stop harassing me at my job.”
“So I can ‘harass’ you elsewhere?”
She grit her teeth. “No.”
“Hmm, you really seemed to like being ‘harassed’ in that coat closet…”
“That was a long time ago. So much has changed.”
“What? Are you married now, have some kids?”
“No,” she said before she could stop herself. “I don’t.” Her face burned with the lie.
“So what’s changed?”
“Everything.”
6 –
A week later, she emerged from the office after a long day of work, to find him leaning against a refurbished Chevy – probably from the seventies, probably – seemingly waiting for her. She rolled her eyes as snow began to fall around them.
Against her better judgment she walked over to him and poked him in the chest. He smirked. “Why are you here?” She asked.
“Can’t a guy just lean on his car without it having to be some big thing?”
Agnes shook her head. “Why are you doing this? Why do you keep coming around?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Just talk? I find that hard to believe.”
“Okay I’m lying. I want to find your defrost button and make all that iciness melt away.”
He laughed as she pulled a face. “Is that the best line you can come up with? It’s pretty pathetic.”
“It wasn’t my best one. I can try others if you’d like.”
“I’d like for you to stop coming around here.”
“Well I would but you’re a challenge and I like challenges.”
“Another line. And another bad one at that.”
Deacon moved closer to her. “Fair enough, those were bad lines. I guess the one I used when we met is more your speed – ‘hey, nice to see you. Wanna join me in the closet? I’ll fuck your brains out’.”
Agnes’s face colored and she fumed. “Goodbye.” She turned on her heel and started walking – well, hurrying – down the street. She expected him to follow but when he didn’t, she was almost disappointed.
7 –
He came around every week like clockwork for the next few months, sometimes more than twice or even three times a week. He would try to engage her in conversation, she would tell him to fuck off, and they’d banter a bit before she’d stalk away. One night he showed up, asked her where she was always off to in such a hurry. She retorted that it was none of his damn business. She thought that’d be the end of it but he kept pestering her.
“You rushing home to a man?” He asked.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She shot back. There was no way she was sharing Cassius with him. Cassius who was now almost six months old, already crawling and babbling like crazy, always smiling with a smile that was too similar to Deacon’s to be denied or ignored. He was a great baby and she loved him and no one was going to mess with him and live to tell about it.
“So you do have an old man?” Deacon asked. “That’s why you –“
“Haven’t jumped your bones? Maybe you just weren’t all that good the first time.”
“Liar. Woman, I rocked your world. You screamed so loud I thought everyone would come running… I bet I was the best you’ve ever had.”
Agnes couldn’t resist it any longer. She slapped him. Hard. He rubbed his cheek and shook his head. “I get to you. One day you’re going to have to admit that.”
“You don’t ‘get’ to me. You repulse me. I am not some cheap tart you can just treat like crap and expect to keep coming back for more.”
“I haven’t ever treated you like crap,” Deacon returned. “You don’t let me treat you like anything. I hoped you’d be the one person to give me a chance to prove myself.”
“Deacon –“ she said but he was already heading to his Chevy, hopping in and peeling down the street.
8 –
She didn’t seem him for the next two weeks. It bothered her even if it shouldn’t have. She was sickened with herself for worrying about him, wondering what he was up to. Yes he was beyond attractive and he had those bedroom eyes and a fantastic tongue that had made her go wild for the hour they spent in that closet. Most of all, he had given her the greatest gift of her life – her son. Her son who was still growing like a weed. She felt every time she turned around, he was bigger and that she was missing really special moments having to work so hard to keep a roof over their heads. She wanted to be with him all the time and she couldn’t be. It broke what was left of her.
Every night after work she found herself waiting around for a minute or two searching for Deacon and his car. Then she’d tell herself she was pathetic and hurry off to the daycare to pick up her son and take him home where she could hold him and hug him as much as she wanted to until his bedtime.
9 –
One morning Agnes woke up with the feeling that things were about to shift in a big way. She didn’t know why or how, but things were changing, the ground was moving beneath her feet and she couldn’t at the moment figure out why she felt that way. She got up early, fixed herself some coffee, took a shower and then went to get Cassius ready for daycare.
At work, the day passed uneventfully. She thought maybe she was wrong about some major something coming her way.
After work, she looked for Deacon’s car for a moment. Seeing it wasn’t there, she quickly turned away and headed for the daycare several blocks away.
She was entirely unprepared for what she walked in on. Deacon was there. He was holding Cassius. Cassius looked oddly comfortable with the stranger. Agnes’s heart plummeted into her toes.
“What the hell are you doing here? You know what? I don’t even care. Just give me my son.”
“Don’t you mean ‘our’ son?” Deacon snapped. “Don’t even lie to me. This little guy is mine too. I know it.”
“No he’s not. He’s-“
“He looks just like me!”
“No he doesn’t and even if he did, that proves nothing.”
“He’s mine. He’s why you’ve kept your distant from me. For whatever reason you didn’t think I would be a good father to him. But dammit I could be. You didn’t give me the chance. No one ever does.”
Agnes frowned as she reached for Cassius, snatching him from Deacon’s grasp. The baby whimpered and tears shimmered in his crystal blue eyes. “Look at you! You’re scaring him. He doesn’t know you.”
“Because you never bothered to tell me about him. I had to find out on my own.”
“Well never mind. You’re never getting your hands on him. From what you said, it sounds like you have other kids so why don’t you go raise them and get out of my face before I have the police on your butt? How Arlene even let you near my son –“
“Our son!” Deacon said. “You’re not going to keep me away from him, Agnes! Not ever again. I am demanding a paternity test and then when it’s proven he’s mine, I’m suing for full custody.”
He lightly touched Cassius’s cheek and then giving Agnes a fierce glare, he stomped out of the daycare. Agnes’s eyes burnt with tears. What the hell was she going to do now?
She spotted Arlene, the director of the whole facility, walking over. Arlene was cringing. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let him see Cassius, let alone hold him, but he kind of said all the right things and I for a moment just let my brain get all fuzzy and –“
“Save it,” Agnes said. “You had no right to pass my son over to a total stranger. And that’s what Deacon Sharpe is to Cassius – a stranger. He fathered my kid, okay, but he’s not his Dad!”
Agnes then grabbed Cassius’s diaper bag and hurried out of there. She thought she would run away – get as far away from New York City as she could. She thought she’d head back to Los Angeles. Anyone could get lost there and never be found in all the crowds of people. Plus, Deacon would surely never think to look for her there.
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